The Edge of A Cliff

My journey began in my early 20's with a desire to understand and heal aspects of myself that felt inaccessible through conventional means. I had a strong desire to be a better version of myself and I knew that it was possible. I wanted to figure out who I was and who I was meant to be.

I started with talk therapy over the course of 20 years, trying different therapist and therapy styles as I was seeking to unravel the threads of my experiences and emotions through conversation and introspection. Each session offered insights and coping strategies, but the process felt slow and sometimes stagnant. I appreciated the safe space it provided, yet I was eager for something more.

The next chapter of my exploration led me to microdosing mushrooms. I approached this with curiosity, hoping to gently shift my perception and uncover new ways of engaging with my thoughts and feelings. The subtle changes in mood and perspective were intriguing, offering moments of clarity and connection. It felt like the initial spark of transformation, a nudge towards deeper self-awareness. During this time, I also started to focus on my physical body and made space for exercise on a regular basis. I explored different avenues I enjoyed and made sure to give myself a variety in my routine as to not get bored with it. 

Encouraged by the insights I gained from mushrooms, I decided to explore ketamine therapy. My anxiety was at an all time high. I felt like the anxiety was in control of my life and I wanted to be in conscious control. This approach offered a more intense and profound experience. The sessions were often intense, taking me to places of profound introspection and sometimes even confronting hidden aspects of myself. The relief and the shifts I experienced were significant. After my first ketamine session, I felt as if I had regained the control I was looking for and I continued with ketamine sessions with the program I was involved with. 

I had a beautiful opportunity to participate in a macrodose mushroom experience at this point in Costa Rica. It was an incredibly serene and tranquil retreat nestled in the heart of the jungle. During my macrodose, I confronted a profound inner struggle: the difficulty of surrendering to the experience. The intensity of the journey amplified my resistance, creating a tug-of-war between my mind’s need for control and the psychedelic’s invitation to let go. Despite the overwhelming sensations, I found myself clinging to familiar thought patterns and fears, unable to fully immerse in the unfolding process. This tension became a focal point of the experience, revealing the challenges of releasing control and trusting the process of transformation for myself. This experience also revealed to me how sensitive I am to the energy around me. I came home knowing I had to learn to protect my energy in my daily life and began to incorporate meditation so I could  learn how to be more present within each moment.

I had more to learn. I needed to do something else.

I moved on to MDMA-assisted therapy. Experiencing MDMA was profoundly uplifting and transformative. The heightened sense of empathy and connection I felt towards and within myself allowed me to embrace my emotions fully and understand where they were coming from. The warmth and openness that emerged from the experience fostered a newfound sense of inner peace and clarity. It was a moment of pure emotional release and joy, offering a glimpse into a more compassionate and understanding self. I finally felt like I was no longer standing on the edge of the cliff. I was finally able to step back and see the true beauty that my life is without the inside noise that was always near. I finally felt like I was present in my own life. 

Each step of this journey has contributed to my growth, offering new perspectives and tools for navigating my inner world. While the path has not always been linear or easy, it has been a testament to my commitment to healing and self-discovery. I continue to integrate these experiences, finding new ways to apply the insights and transformations they have afforded me.  My mission is to move forward with my own personal exploration and help others with their journeys of discovery.